Where's the Tylenol?

from by Cougar Magnum

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I'm 21 years old and I'm past my prime
If the glass is half full, hope it’s a glass of wine
I pass the time by passing gas in line
And I like girls in jeans, the elastic kind
Big fat bottom, muffin top goddess
One piece at the beach, oh girl you're so modest
Baby girl you gotta flaunt it if you got it
Took her sky diving people thought she was a comet
Had to break it off but not because I’m shallow
I told her I was sick of always living in her shadow
I know, I’m an asshole,
A burnt down school like "Hey where’d the class go?"
Speaking of which, I’m getting whiskey dick
So let's go get wet and wild like some frisky fish
I'm indifferent to the change
Undoubtedly lifted and gifted in the brain

I got a text from my ex the bitch said she miss me
Then my ass made a crack about how she should kiss me
Asshole I control all the dissing
If you wanna be a dick don't shit start pissing
Shootin the shit cuz this girl has killer tits
Think this honey thinks I’m funny like Mac Millers lisp
But really it is pretty funny
Like these sluts at the bar who think they're getting drinks from me
Listen sweetheart, I know it's your birthday
Just sit there and pretend like you understand the word play
Bird brain's skirt's raised I'm saying shit that pervs say
I pissed on your truck cuz your Ed Hardy shirt's gay
Horoscopes help whores cope
with the fact they get tapped more times than a morse code
Pathologically illogical
Hallelujah, holy shit, where’s the Tylenol?

Cue Chevy Chase monologue:
I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?


from Tales From Mongolian BBQ, released August 22, 2013



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